What gifts are you planning to get this year for the tech-geek in your life? Sponsored by LifeScoop: Bringing You Tips for a Connected Lifestyle. |
Your Mom. Gagged with an iPhone.
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UGH!!!! It's here. UGH UGH UGH!!! Well... happy birthday to me. Happy 9/11, and happy new beginnings everyone.
I can't tell HIM this but i can tell all of you:
I LOVE YOU!!!
be good.
xxox.
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xxox.
good god.
the most perfect song and lyrics and music ever. it's totally making me fall in love even tho i haven't even met anybody yet! get out of my way or it could be YOU!
winter
turn on the night
turn on your love light
I'm a non-believer
but I believe i believe i believe i believe
in your smile
well I'm gonna talk to you baby
on brandy-wine
mars in the stars
mars is arisin
mars in the stars mars is arisin
and I feel like I'm way in a deep dream baby
feel like I'm way in a deep dream
yes
all i wanna do is...
lovers
light in the inn
what are they thinking?
patterns falling
down the sky
and the fire
and the kiss
of the country night
your tender strong freaky love
strangers and mountains
are blurred in a snow flight
mars in the stars
mars is arisin
the world's insane
the paper's gone mad
but our love is a peace vibe
yes
all i wanna do is...
I've always wanted a title, to be a Countess or Baroness of something. Thanks to Fergie, Duchess is now all skanksville, so no more of that. Ugh. I never cared for Princess, princesses are boring and have no power. Empress has a lovely sound, but its alot to live up to. Lady used to be pleasant, but it's never heard in a tone of respect anymore. WATCH WHERE YOURE GOING LADY!! you never hear "WTF is that Contessa doing here?"
how come nobody says Negress anymore?? I miss that word. it sounds hella grand. NEGRESS INA of TINGMOORE.. TINGENSHIRE,, TINGSWORTH... hrmmmm...
THE NEGRESS REQUESTS THE PLEASURE OF YOUR ATTENDANCE...
ALL RISE FOR THE NEGRESS DU TINGHERIE
EVERY LITTLE GIRL WANTS TO BE A NEGRESS WHEN SHE GROWS UP.
AN UNEXPECTED APPEARANCE BY THE NEGRES
omg i'm totally changing my name to that! i dare me.
xxox.
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being more positive has helped me alot.. becuz without it today would have been a suicidally depressing day. i was on the verge of tears all day not understanding why. there is nothing to feel bad about per se. i'm no longer afraid of losing my apartment, and altho i need to make more money, i know i can find a way to supplement my income and I SHALL.
im not even completely isolated anymore, thanks to the roommate situation. he is still great. still clean. still super sweet. but we don't have much in common and we keep a respectful formal distance from each other. this is an ideal living arrangement.. at least as ideal as you can be sharing a small 1 bedroom with a stranger. i have no complaints here so let me stop digging for one.
the source of my gloom:: the heart has broken, but it has not stopped its beating.. it still longs for special things. it still longs for family, for companionship, for its compliment. things that are less and likely as the years march on. this is an aging thing. a growing thing? learning acceptance, im not sure.
Idaho stopped by the other night. High and tweaking out of his mind. it is obvious that he has graduated from Coke to Crystal Meth now. he looks exactly like all those before after posters you see. i had heard someone screaming my name outside my window, and when i went to look i literally didnt recognize him. he looked like a scary homeless junkie. he even had two trashbags with him (his version of luggage). i asked him what he was doing here and he said he was on his way to the greyhound station (which is two blocks from me) and that he wanted to see if i still lived here. i started to invite him up, but he was tweaking and twitching so badly i didnt think i could trust him in my apt. Seriously..i thought maybe he had come by to rob me or lift my purse or something... he had never stolen from me before but he definitely looks the type now.
heartbreaking is the only word. i chatted with him in the parking lot for a few minutes watching him smack his lips and scratch his face.. and when i tried to hug him goodbye he felt stiff and corpse-like. there is NOTHING left of him, nothing that i used to love. he belongs to his addiction entirely now.
i hugged him hard anyway, and told him in his ear. "Aaron... i love you . You can never come by here again. " He just nodded and squeezed my hand.. then he gathered up his trashbags and turned away. . I watched him walk down the alley until he disappeared across the street. in my soul i know that really was the last time. :/
so i guess that's why i'm feeling so.... unattached. i no longer pine for him. i no longer mourn nor want him. but there is still that void. once you give your heart away you dont get it back. you have to grow another one. i guess thats what this ache is im feeling.
but the thing is... he has this impenetrable forcefield of glamour and formality that makes it really hard to approach him and confirm whether or not he in fact exists. he's kind of like a male diana ross, or something. and i find myself feeling like shrek in comparison.
so he's heard several of my phonecalls now... and on the rare occasions he is not in the bedroom, whenever the phone rings he runs to the bedroom and shuts it tight! he gets this look of UH OH something uncouth is about to happen... which is in some ways amusing and others mortifying. cuz let me tell you... there is simply no tasteful way to scream IM GONNA SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH YOU TOILET L
no wonder \he turns me down everytime i offer to share pizza!
im going to somehow broach the topic of him letting me take a picture of him. i swear tho, i get nervous like im bugging brangelina for an autograph...
what a problem, right? waaaah.. my roommate is too classy! boo hoo hooo...
okay day 3 of total dry streak for phonecalls. i need to do a rain dance or somethin. make it riain pennies from heaven.
in other news, its time i start seriously considering the dreaded Breast Redux. :(
The older I get, the bigger they get and I don't know what to do about it. I feel like a wuss, because I'm nowhere near as big as some girls I've known personally... some who have had it, and some who do just fine with their punky brewsters, and would never consider surgery in a millon years. Because of that I always push it out of my mind. Like who am I to complain about 38DDD boobs when my 40GG friends are doing just fine?
But I'm tired of feeling and looking like a UPS truck.
Then of course there are some days when I'm like HA! NEVER! I love my girls!!! And show them off proudly wherever I go. but those are days when I don't have severe back and neck stiffness,days when the permanent grooves in my shoulder from my brastrap don't look like railroad tracks. Days that are fewer and further between, as time goes on.
I'm going to continue losing weight and once i'm down to a reasonable size I'll make up my mind then. It may only seem like I'm losing weight from every where except the rack, what if it's my imagination? The worst thing I could do is pull a Queen Latifah... she got aggressive redux and now her buddha belly is her biggest feature! D'oh!
i am going to have to get the new roommate a key soon. he leaves very early in the morning and comes back very late... but i'm never quite sure when that will be so i live in a constant state of readiness for his call that he's outside needing to get in. i'm thinking since it's friday night he has plans to party... but lil ol me still needs her 8 hours for work in the morn. *sigh*.
i won'[t complain tho. he's been an angel. very polite, very clean very quiet and personable on the rare occasions he is around. getting woken up to let him in isnt such a huge deal in the schema...
there is construction going on, on my building.. and the construction trellises have been attracting the homeless. according to resident complaint. i sleep right by the open window now, so i;'m not so worried about a break in... but this is to go on for another seven weeks!
my apt is the first row of windows, closest to the parkinglot. yay! haven't seen any homeless just yet.. but... its a cool clear night and i think its their mating season. wish me luck!
nacht
xxox.
- Music:roxy music
"Picture This"
All I want is a room with a view
A sight worth seeing, a vision of you
All I want is a room with view, oh-oh
I will give you my finest hour
The one I spent watching you shower
I will give you my finest hour, oh yeah
All I want is a photo in my wallet
A small remembrance of something more solid
All I want is a picture of you
Picture this - a day in December
Picture this - freezing cold weather
You got clouds on your lids and you'd be on the skids
If it weren't for your
If you could only oh-oh
Picture this - a sky full of thunder
Picture this - my telephone number
One and one is what I'm telling you, oh yeah
All I want is 20-20 vision
A total portrait with no omissions
All I want is a vision of you, oh-oh
If you can picture this - a day in December
Picture this - freezing cold weather
You got clouds on your lids and you'd be on the skids
If it weren't for your job at the garage
If you could only oh-oh
Picture this - a sky full of thunder
Picture this - my telephone number
One and one is what I'm telling you
Get a pocket computer
Try to do what you used to do yeah
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QbdCpi4qT
- Mood:*sigh* :/
- Music:blondie... picture this
potential new roommate meeting today. im not even half done with overhauling the apt, and have but three hours. dont get me started on the dishes. and the fact i have no dish washing liquid. and no time to run to the store. and ill have to improvise with shampoo and laundry detergent.
can you tell ive been procrastinating?
i'm nervous, mad nervous and maybe im being passive aggressive. unless i am crazy comfortable with this person right off the bat i am going to say NOOOOOOOO.
staying openminded. staying open to new things and positive changes.
back to work!
PS. last night i was doing Magic Eight Ball with my mp3 collection and blindly chose a song at random to indicate how meeting this person would go. The song i picked without looking happened to be "Slam" By ONYX. and i have no idea how to interpret that.
SLAM!! Duh DA DAAAH!!
LET THE BOYZ BE BOOOOOYZ!!!
on one hand this was my favorite bootyshaking song back in the day. one the other, its kind of a scary omen for a living arrangement!
details at eleven!
xxox.
- Music:sarah vaughan.... i cover the waterfront
im open. im waiting. im listening. :)
i've experienced something of a sea change in my personal outlook these days. it all happened thanks to a friend who supplied me with all the books and dvd's that would lead me to give up meat and start trying to think more positively about life in general. he gave me 3 very large grocery sacks full of books and dvd's on eating, meditation, the power of positive thinking, and buddhism. i read them not because i had any sort of latent interest in the topics, but because i was (and am) insanely bored with no cable tv, while cooped up in my apt 24 hours a day 7 days a week. you will read anything after 6 months of that lifestyle. you will read Nicole Richie's book if you have to. but i didnt have nicole richie's book to read. i had a big stack of self help stuff instead.
so this week i made a concerted effort to concentrate on things that have actually made me happy in my life... including memories of the ex that i've struggled in vain to repress. and what do you fucking know... ?my mood hasnt been this even and calm since... well... i dont thinkive ever been this even tempered. i dont even think i was this calm during my conception. i seem to recall cellular meiosis being particularly stressful and wanting to stop half way thru but then changing my mind and losing my place and i got kind of lost trying to figure out where i wanted my feet to go.... i digress...
i hate that its true the things they say.. that it really is a matter of perspective and choosing perspective.
keep in mind not a thing has changed in my life, externally. im still stuck in the apt 24/7. im still fat. im still without friends or a social life. but i no longer feel that these things conspire to make my life a horrific, sucking void or that i'm going to suffocate from despair, or that what is now is what will always be. i no longer feel helpless to change..i no longer feel that my options are limited and that any change that does happen is out of my hands.
in short, i no longer feel that im being held hostage in my own life. this paradigm shift has freed me up to be....*gasp*... grateful tp be alive. ME! and grateful for stuff like, all the things that give me peace of mind.
like today i was all set to feel sorry for myself that im always somehow alone on the 4th of july. i mean i assumed that that's how i would feel today and that i should brace myself. cuz every 4th im always working, and alone. this year is no different. but i have never been so content as when, this afternoon.. i grew tired of sitting in front of my pc monitor trying to watch reruns of The Facts of Life on Hulu. I decided to drag my futon across the living room right smack in front of the computer and kick my legs up on my chair and click and point my way thru Season 3 with my wireless mouse on my belly.
and i thought to myself... "OMFG. this looks tacky as hell.. but i can do that. becuz this is MY apartment, and no one elses!" i never thought id experience anything like this. the sheer, simple minded joy of making a fort out of my own crappy ikea furniture, in my own living room, in my own apartnment watching old tv sitcoms on my own computer. honestly, i never even conceived of such a thing... i always assumed that my life meant living in somebody else's house, or sharing an apartment with someone becuz i couldnt afford to live on my own, all the while trying to keep to my own corner and stay out of people's way, becuz i never want to be a bother.
but look! ive been living on my own for more than 3 years in the same place... even tho ive changed jobs like 5 times and never seem to know how one day leads to the next. this has been HOME. MY HOME. fuck, man. that's deep.
maybe not to you grownups who have been doing your own thing since 18 and all... but this is a huge accomplishment for me. and i have the right (yes i said it.. the RIGHT) to be proud of myself for this and to appreciate this, rather than wonder when its all going to be snatched away like ive been doing everyday for the last 32 years and 10 months of my charmed life!
go figure. those self help gurus were right all along. life really is about choosing how to feel. who knew??
that said, i do intend to be doing something different next july 4th, something of a social nature! i can't rightly say if i'll still be here in this same apt or not. i mean... i think so. but im also open to the idea of living somewhere else, and having that be okay. as long as its on my own terms, and not a situation that happened to me or that i surrendered to, yanno??
so here we go, life. i'm open. show me what good you can do.
emotionally i am going thru my baggage, and throwing out the tattered old suitcases of my broken heart. it's centering, if not exactly calming.
so much work to do.. so much time...
goal... get back on 100% plantbased diet by July. and never deviate again! that's in two days fool! werk!
just spoke to my DAD ... after all this MJ shock i needed to say a few things to him and to other people i haven't talked to in a while. we had a nice conversation, for US, rather... and he updated me about my sisters. Ivory, the younger troubled one, is having panic attacks and not leaving the house. Isobel, the one just like me... my mini-me before there was mini-me... she is currently working at a casino, dating and financially supporting a coked up poker champion wannabe.
i know they say the apple doesnt fall from the tree and all that.. but this is just eery. uncanny. sad.
it just breaks my heart. my dad said other things too... like "i know i should make more of an effort to talk to you but with Isobel i feel like i see you every damn day. she looks like you. acts like you. is mean like you. everything. but that's always how it's been."
for some reason this made me start bawling... i didn't let on tho. and then he drops the news that their biological mom, Tammi Jo, is dying of terminal lung cancer.. in fact she might be dead already since he found out two months ago and hasn't heard nor pursued anything further. he told the girls and they were unphased. they really have no practical memory of her whatsoever... they were only 3 and 1 when she split for good. so of course its a nonevent.. but still... my heart just breaks in two's then four's then eights.... i mourn for their loss because they cannot. i mourn for so much lost time. i mourn for all the tension and jealousy and resentment that still lingers in the air everytime i reach out in their direction.
its unsettling how easily love exists alongside despair.
im going to bed. its been more than enough of a day.
xxox.
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